Ok, well I never did write yesterday, obviously. I went downstairs cuz I was going to go for a walk and found everyone in the lobby area. I ended up playing euchre with a bunch of people instead of going for my walk. I played with Meghan cuz she was just learning how to play and she was getting really frustrated with the whole thing. After that we all went to dinner. I was going to at least walk to dinner but I ended up riding with everyone else cuz I would have been late if I had walked. Dinner wasn’t that bad. I really didn’t want to be around people. After dinner I wanted to go walk and find the train tracks. I actually said to do it as a bunch of us going together. Well, basically, they wanted to go for a walk and I suggested that we go find the train tracks because Jenny and I always hear the trains late at night. We were going to go but ended up stopping at the auditorium. While we were there some people came up to John and said that they found his money. I guess he had lost $65. So he got his money and then no longer cared about going for a walk because he wanted to spend his money. Jenny and Nick were supposed too, but then they decided that they would rather stand around inside so I decided to go by myself. I went out and began to walk in the direction that I hear the trains when Jamal comes running out. He yells after me. Then he comes up to me and says that Nick told him that he better come after me cuz if I kill myself then it would be on his conscience too. I just gave him a weird look, but that definitely freaked me out. I didn’t tell any of them that I was suicidal. I ended up walking a little bit more but didn’t find the train tracks. I kinda came to a dead end street and didn’t know what direction to go or how far I needed to go. Jamal was freaking out about me going off of campus and so I ended up going back. That was annoying. When I came back inside I didn’t know what to do. The night before Nick was acting overly caring towards me and like paying extra attention to me even when Jenny (his girlfriend) was around but I thought that he was just trying to be compassionate like everyone else was. The fact that him and Jamal both thought that I was suicidal freaked me out. That was definitely a trigger for me. I then had all of the emotions from being put in the hospital against my will. I didn’t know how to react or what to do. I decided to talk to Missy cuz she is the only person that I have actually talked to. I find it ironic that we sorta bonded or the fact that neither of us are being very good Christians. Lol. Anyways, I found her pretty late into session and she assured me that she didn’t tell anyone. I believe her. During session I had no idea how to react. Like I felt like I should sing cuz if I didn’t a bunch of people would be asking me what was wrong and if they did know I had been suicidal it would look bad. I was so overwhelmed with feelings of anger and betrayal that I couldn’t exactly get into the music though. One of the exercises that they did was to have these pictures on the sides and we were supposed to pray for whatever was there. I decided that it would be a good opportunity to get away for a little bit. That was what I did before, but not even really intentionally. When they had the writing on the Plexiglas thing, I went outside just cuz I couldn’t handle it anymore and I guess people just thought that I had gone to go write on the Plexiglas. I went over to the side then went outside. I just sat out between the 2 brick walls on the side of the auditorium like I always do. I was just so overwhelmed with anger and fear. I ended up sitting there for a little bit then going back in cuz I was scared someone would come out or that I would get in trouble. I was very very mistrusting at this point. I came back in and John was like “oh my gosh I was so worried about you, are you ok.” That was odd. That made me even more worried cuz that isn’t the typical reaction especially from John. Then Missy was standing there and said something to me and we decided to go back outside. We pretty much just stood out there for a little bit and talked. She seems really understanding of my perspective on the whole thing. After that we just came back in. I guess everyone was like praying or something when we came back in because there was almost no one from our groups in their seats. For the rest of the service I basically just sat there. I was really zoning out. I drew for a while until my marker was drying up. Then I pretty much was just there. My mind was so far from what was going on around me. I was sitting by Todd so I felt that I had to be careful. He seemed to intentionally sit by me, but maybe I am just being paranoid. I can never be too careful. He didn’t say anything so I guess it doesn’t matter. Anyways, after evening celebration we had youth group time as usual. I went and just sat on my rock as I have for the past couple days. I was amazed at how people reacted. Like I haven’t prayed for the past 2 days in youth group time and I guess some of the guys were talking about how I was annoying cuz I never talked and didn’t pray. I guess I don’t’ really care at the moment though. I was just amazed at how quickly they were to get annoyed at me. Like as I sat there, the attitudes of people were very different from when I was actually trying. I know that it is mainly my fault and I know that I was being a pain and annoying but it just amazed me on how quickly they reacted negatively. Definitely made me feel that I couldn’t trust any of them. Anyways, youth group time luckily was really short cuz we wanted to go out and get donuts, it’s kind of a tradition. We went out to the donut place and I really didn’t want to be there. I was just sitting there and I was so frustrated and overwhelmed that I just wanted to be alone. It was so hard to sit there around everyone when I was partially angry at them. Then finally we went back to the apartments. I went in my room for a little bit but didn’t know what to do. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t relax but couldn’t really do anything either. I ended up going out to our little living room area cuz everyone else was out there. I didn’t do a whole lot. For a while I was laying on my chest banging my head on the floor. I simply said that I was in an angry mood and no one asked. Idk if I wanted them to ask or not. Missy talked to me for a few minutes when I was in my room and I told her what I had thought of youth group time. She kinda agreed. After being out in the living and basically just sitting around for a while people started going to bed. I left to my room while Jenny and Becky were still talking. I sorta took down some of the decorations that we had and stuff just so I wouldn’t have to do it in the morning. Then I got ready for bed and laid down. I kinda dozed off, then Jenny came in and I woke back up. I ended up falling back to sleep pretty quickly though. I was so exhausted.

Getting up this morning was so hard. I really didn’t want to wake up. We basically just packed up and got going. I was happy to be going home just cuz it had been such an exhausting week. We left the campus at 8 and basically just drove home. I was on my laptop for a while. I borrowed some people’s camera memory cards and put them on my laptop so now I have a bunch of pictures. Then I was making like a slide show movie but got bored and frustrated with it. It was basically just something to do to pass the time. Most of the people in the van were sleeping. I ended up giving up and just trying to lay down. I never did fall asleep but I basically just laid there. We listened to John’s CD of Thor (the comedian that was at CIY). I couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep though. We got back to church a little before noon. I called my mom and she didn’t even know that I was coming home today. That felt wonderful. She came and picked me up pretty quickly. Since I have been home I haven’t done much. I am really tired but I was going to wait til the evening to lay down cuz then I will be able to sleep through the night. Idk if I am going to last that long though because I am so exhausted right now. Like I got home and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to go home so badly just cuz I was so tired of CIY and everything that was going on, but once I got home I didn’t know what to do.

I actually feel way worse now than before I went to CIY. That is frustrating. I think I am more suicidal now because I have mostly given up. I have given up on people and pretty much given up on God. I know that is a terrible thing to say but that is how I feel right now. I can’t really tell anyone though. That is the difficult part. I just spent an entire week focused on the theme “we were never meant to be alone” yet I feel more alone than ever. That was how I felt last night too. It was so frustrating. I thought of going down to the barn and just climbing up into the rafter, maybe taking my rope, but idk if I am going to do that right now. My mom just left to take the daycare kids to the pool. Apparently, a lot has changed since I left, at least according to my mom. She just said that she wants to sit down and talk with my brother and I this afternoon. That shall be interesting. I am pretty sure that she got a job this week cuz she said that she couldn’t talk about it around the daycare kids and that I was lucky she was there when I called. Idk what to do. I really want to go down to the barn right now but I think I will give it until tomorrow. I think it would be better not to jump to drastic actions. Plus I am so incredibly exhausted. I figure I will wait at least at day to give myself a chance to try to process things a little bit. Soo much has been thrown at me this past week and I just need time to process it all. I will probably sleep in late tomorrow and then will have tons of time to sit around thinking too much. Lol. Next week I have VBS but that is just in the evening. I am hoping that it doesn’t go that badly. And if for some reason I feel as crappy about life tomorrow as I do today, my mom will be gone til late so I have time. Hopefully things don’t get worse though with our “family meeting” tonight because I don’t think that I can handle things getting much worse in my life right now. *sigh* I guess I am just going to go lay down right now because I am so exhausted. I will figure things out later.